im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
