where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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