i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize