You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
