I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
