He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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