i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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