I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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