I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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