yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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