tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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