happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
