You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
