we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize