kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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