Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
