I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you traded sex for a burrito?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
