well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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