i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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