nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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