we'll go far in life on tits alone.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
