Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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