They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
