You can't special order awesome
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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