i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
