I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
