The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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