I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
