My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
