I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
