Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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