thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize