Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So. Much. Porn.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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