I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
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