I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need moral support for this bender
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
