My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
