If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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