I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize