You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im having a threesome with these popsicles
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
