am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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