Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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