So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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