Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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