I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
