I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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