pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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