I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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