Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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