Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
