new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
