So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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