Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
