I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
