I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
