I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
