and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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