apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
