I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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