I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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