I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
