Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
