Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
